I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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