There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
