I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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