I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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