I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
