If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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