She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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