People with herpes should wear stickers.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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