My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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