sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
