Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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