why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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