My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
