I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
