yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
