I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
