new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
