Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
