If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
