Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
