Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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