I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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