why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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