I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
