just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
