Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
