Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
