when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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