so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
