that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
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You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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