well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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