If i come over, it means nothing
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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