You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
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do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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