I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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