I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
