Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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