finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
