Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
