Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
