i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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