He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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