i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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