On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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