So drunk its hurt
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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