I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Can vaginas get frostbite?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
