I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
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I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
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Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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