There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
