On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
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I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just googled if crying burns calories
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
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My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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