pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
