where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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