all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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