I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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