Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
