she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
