If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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