what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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